Nothing in life is free, maybe except for advice … which you receive in sheer quantity … from everyone … even when you’re not even seeking it.
The rule with advice is that when you don’t want it, you receive it from all directions until your ears bleed. But you don’t get it quite so easily, and not of the desired quality, when you actively seek it. Another rule is that the best way to ask for advice is to not ask for it at all. Let me elaborate.
When you ask for advice explicitly, people usually don’t tell you the real story. They tell you the romanticized version of it. What I mean by that is that they tell you 1) what they think they should tell you, and 2) what they think you want to hear.
In the first scenario, they prescribe you the most ideal course of action, one that may not be all that practical in the messy real world and one that they are almost certainly not following themselves. They give you big words like “follow your heart” or “don’t let anyone stop you from getting what you want”. This is at least the staple of management seminars and silver-bullet self-help books. All that “buzzword bingo” advice sounds exhilarating when you first hear it but it has little practical value to you and might prompt you to exclaim things like “Wow! Great advice! … wait, how do I follow my heart when I don’t have any idea what my heart wants?!” or “How exactly do I stop people from stopping me from getting what I want?”
In the second scenario, they tell you something comforting because they think that’s what you want – a sympathetic ear. “I am always there for you, remember that!” they might say or “It’s not your fault, you know!”. Again, it is comforting to hear but may not contain any significant piece of “advice”.
If it was comfort you wanted all along, sure, go ahead and ask for that advice. And if you deem yourself determined enough to follow the “ideal” path, good for you! Ask away for all the ideal advice but remember that it won’t be an easy path. There is a reason such ideas are romanticized. They are so difficult to follow that only rarest of the rare people, mostly those who were crazy enough to go for it or had nothing to lose, can follow them. The rest can only talk the talk and not walk to walk. But if you are genuinely seeking practical advice, explicitly asking for it may not be the best way. You should rather try to find the answer by observing others.
Actions do speak louder than words. People’s actions might guide you better than their (nice sounding) words. But observe them with a pinch of salt. Whatever someone is doing (or saying) may not apply to your situation, personality, or moral values. And you see only a tiny fraction of the whole picture to begin with. Even when the person you are observing seems, at the first glance, to be very similar to you and in the same situation as yours, the fact is (as commanded by the random nature of the universe) that no two people and not two circumstances are the same. So, whatever this person is deciding to do may not fit in your framework at all. Also, people usually take actions that they know are not good for them. Otherwise, there would be no smoking, drinking, or gambling in the world. So, don’t blankly observe and imitate … no matter how tempting it looks.
Another thing when asking for advice is being true to your expectations from it. Sometimes you think that you’re asking for advice but then you get annoyed when the other person starts to give it to you. Why? Because 1) you weren’t seeking advice in the first place but were only looking to rant and “get it all out”, 2) you were just looking for some validation from them about some course of action you already have in your mind but they started to counter it, 3) you wanted to brag about your latest achievement by cleverly wrapping it in a supposed problem but instead of listening to you, they starting giving advice, making you want to shout “I don’t need no stupid advice from the likes of you!”
In summary, be honest with yourself. If you really want advice, maybe the following steps will help you.
To be continued …