In the last part, we looked at the basics of seeking advice. In this part, we look at some concrete steps for it.
Step 1) Recognize the need of asking for advice
This is not as easy as it looks. We humans always struggle in knowing if and when we need advice. We become so engrossed in solving the problem, all on our own, that we neglect the biggest strength of homo sapiens – building upong the knowledge of others. If you already have a solution in your head but only have to sort out the details of when and how to implment it, you might be okay. But other times, it might help to consult someone (doesn’t have to be a living-breathing person; could be a book or internet resource). Some signs for this are – you aren’t able to plan a course of course of action in your head because of the limitations in your knowledge and/or experience, you have come up with a plan but you are being haunted by the devil that lies in details, or you have a plan and you know how the details would work but have qualms about acting on it because you won’t be able to undo it without causing damage to your finances, your relationships, or your life, in general.
Of course, sometimes there are no signs but just a strong “feeling” inside you that you should ask someone. And some other times, you use asking advice as a shortcut to finding the answer. You should always try to solve the problem before looking at the answer key at the back of the book. That shortcut might save you some time and effort right now but it is very harmful in the longer term.
Step 2) Put away your ego
Asking for help is not a blemish on your competence, toughness or machoism. It’s not a sign of weakness (unless you use it repeatedly, become dependent on it and give up trying to solve even the smallest problems on your own). So, go ahead, ask for advice and help without thinking that you are giving the other person power over you, without thinking that “real people get along in world on their own“. As I said earlier, humans rule the animal kingdom because of their cumulative knowledge which comes from learning from others, no matter if learn by observing them or actively ask them for knowledge, help, or guidance. So, put away your ego and ask away. Honestly, even if it was a blemish on me, I would still consult books and people as much as I can because in the end it improves my decision, happiness and life.
Step 3) Find the best person / resource to ask
Sometimes, it’s not our egos that is the biggest obstacle for us, it’s the not knowing whom to ask. Though, in the age of internet and AI algorithms like ChatGPT, there is always an option of throwing your question out there on the web and see what comes out.
The most obvious person to seek advice from is of course someone with knowledge on the topic or experience of a similar situation. But there are several problems with that. One, you may not personally know such a person. Sometimes you can ask around in your circle and find such a person at a “two hop distance” or more (one hop from you to a friend or acquaintance and another hop from them to the person with the knowledge or experience). Now that we have social media platforms like Facebook or LinkedIn, it’s actually much easier to ask around. You just write one message in a whatsapp group or something and someone connects you to a person who is able to help you. The second and much bigger problem with finding an “expert” is that expertise on a topic is a double-edged sword. It gives one depth within a topic but can make them blind to the wider world outside that topic. So, take all the expert advice you want but keep in mind that it’s not perfect, nothing in life is.
In the absence of an expert (or a partial expert), I would suggest asking someone who knows you personally even if they know little or nothing about the problem at hand. You’d surprised how useful they can be. Even if they can’t give you direct instructional advice on the topic, they can make you retrospect and get a lot more clarity about the problem. Sadly, I learnt this a bit late in life. I wouldn’t discuss my science related thoughts and queries with my best friend because she isn’t “scientifically orientied” but once I did, she was the most useful. Because she isn’t scientifically oriented, she had a very fresh perspective on our conversation topic.
When you aren’t able to find a suitable person to seek advice from, you can always consult Quora or Reddit or Stackexchange type of forums on the internet. They can be surprisingly useful. Even if they don’t give you the full answer to your problem, more often than not, they give you a good starting point to ask other related questions or even better questions.
Step 4) Formulate the questions
It happens quite frequently that after having found a suitable person to ask advice, we don’t get good answers. Half the time, it’s because the person doesn’t and can’t know details of our circumstances, personlities or moral values. Other times, it’s because we formutate the questions poorly, in terms of both words and tone.
If we are not specific enough in our questions, we may receive a big lecture that is barely useful to us. And if we are too specific, we risk boring the other person and also increase the chances that the person wouldn’t have any advice for that very-specific case. If we formulate the question(s) in such a way that we don’t give out any personal (and possibly embarrassing) details, the other person may misunderstand the question and the situation. And if we present the question with all true details, we might need to spend a lot of time telling the background story (and possibly the charcater sketches of other people involved in the story). In summary, we have to find the best way to express our questions and sadly, there is no concrete advice I can give you as to what is the best way.
Tone is equally, if not more, important to the question. I am the one seeking advice, asking question. I am the one who needs to be humble before I expect the other person to not be judgemental. If I seem to be arrogant in my question, the other person may be offended. If I seem too desparate, I might give them an opportunity to brag about their prowess or even cheat me by selling some products or services. If I am too weepy and whiny, they may get annoyed. And if I am too stoic, they may form an impression that I am not really seeking advice but am just trying to “unload”.
Good thing is that all these subtleties come to us humans quite naturally. But one thing is true – the advice you receive will be only as good as the questions you ask (and the way you ask them).
Now that you have received some advice, how to follow it?
To be continued …