Now, to our second question about silence – Why are silences (sometimes) awkward? And does it happen only with humans? If yes, why? When is silence not awkward? When does it convert into an awkward one? And are there any regional or cultural differences in all that?
Okay, so our second question turns out to be a bundle of questions. But nothing to fear, we shall find an answer for it!
Cows can sit together in silence all day long and chew the cud (aka ruminate). They don’t feel awkward about the silence … that we know of. It doesn’t look like they do. They are happy to sit in silence like most other animals. They do communicate with each other, for example – by making warning calls or making erotic sounds as foreplay but they don’t “talk”, at least not that we know of and not in the way we humans define talking. And because silence is judged “awkward” in the context of active communication or talking, awkward silence must be a uniquely human phenomenon. But we have to first define what we mean by “awkward”.
From my own experience and from a quick consultation of a dictionary, I can say that “awkward” is a feeling of uneasiness or discomfort when dealing with something. For example, in tennis, a player might mishit a shot when the ball bounces “awkwardly” in front of her. Or it was highly awkward when my mom complained about the bad behavior of one of my brother’s school teachers in front of the same teacher. The first example is of a physically awkward situation and the second one of a socially awkward one. Both are predicated on an unexpected thing. The ball bounces more or less than expected – awkward. My mom breaks the common social expectation of not speaking of, let alone complaining about, a person in front of the same person – awkward! So, being unexpected is the key to awkwardness. Let’s apply it to silence.
What are the social norms about silence –
1) there are certain places and certain situations where silence is expected, for example – libraries, memorials (with or without one-minute-silence), during a rally in tennis or badminton
2) there are certain places and certain situations where silence is not desired – parties, celebrations, direct interrogation (by a physics teacher, a colleague or the police)
3) in certain situations, it’s okay not to talk to strangers – standing in queue, sitting in a public transport vehicle etc
4) in certain situations, it’s expected of you to talk to people, stranger or otherwise, for example – on a date
There might be other silence-related rules out there but you get the gist – in some social situations, you are supposed to talk to others and in others, you better keep quiet. And any time we have a violation of these norms, we have an awkward situation. Though, sometimes we perceive it as more annoying than awkward, for example when someone talks loudly on their phone on the train. For the person talking on the phone, on the other hand, the same situation is more awkward than annoying. Then again, if they feel awkward, they will not talk loudly but in whispers and will try to disconnect the call as soon as possible and then try not to make eye contact with the fellow passengers out of guilt.
The point is, silence is awkward in social situations where silence is not expected of you and it’s awkward because we humans want to operate by a set of social (or personal) guidelines and don’t feel comfortable when they are not followed. For example, let’s say you go and sit on your seat on a plane. It’s not very awkward to not say hello to the stranger sitting on the seat next to you. Afterall, it’s okay not to talk to strangers. But it would be a little awkward if you made eye-contact with them and still didn’t say hello. Upon eye-contact, we humans are supposed to acknowledge the other person by smiling, nodding or saying hello. Eye-contacts are supposed to break down the wall of unfamiliarity between two people. More awkward still it will be if you didn’t say hello upon eye-contact after 2 hours of sitting next to them. Because, humans are supposed to become more familiar with someone with time. And of course, it would be the height of awkwardness if they made eye contact and said hello to you and you kept silent.
Since it is all based on social norms, cultural and regional differences play a big role in the awkwardness equation because different societies have different rules (and some common ones). For example, I have experienced vast differences in silence and talking cultures of India (where I was born and brought up) and Europe (where I have been living for more than a decade). In India, it’s much less awkward to not smile, nod or say hello to another person upon making eye-contact with them. Simply ignoring is also okay. But once you have broken the ice, it’s also not awkward to ask very personal questions within the 5 minutes of meeting someone. And I am not exaggerating; it happened to me. I boarded a plane from UK to India and the elderly Indian woman next to me asked me, even before the plane even started taxiing to the runway for takeoff, all sorts of personal question – how old I was and why was I still unmarried, what do I do for a living and how much do I earn, and of course what caste I was. In the end, different cultures have different norms on different things. When to keep silent (and when not to) is not an exception.
Another point I want to touch here is the effect of technology on the social norms around silence. With the invention of earbuds and mobile phones, electronic companies have “legitimized” the act of keeping silent when one is among strangers. Now, you don’t need to feel the necessity of making small talk to the person sitting on the next seat on the bus or passing a smile at a small kid when sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s. You can just listen to your music, podcast or such through your earbuds or scroll or click on your phone, ignoring the whole world around you. You can observe a “non-awkward silence”.